August 2025 Connection
Confessions of a Cross Dropper
Those who don’t pick up their crosses and follow me aren’t worthy of me. Those who find their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives because of me will find them. - Matthew 10:38-39 CEB
On July 11th at 9:00am my wife, Stephanie, began to notice in me what I have come to term “red flags.” These are moments when I’m beginning to show signs of burnout, and she sees it before I can name it. I’ve come to appreciate that she sees these things in me and doesn’t hesitate to bring the “red flags” to my attention. On more than one occasion, her awareness and honesty has saved me, and for that I am particularly thankful! On that Friday morning, she saw and heard burnout within me, and gently told me (told…didn’t ask) that I would be taking an extra day off for what I’ve come to call a “mental health day.” That mental health day came on Tuesday, July 15th.
On that Tuesday, I found myself drawn to a walk through the trails in the Grand Blanc Commons. If you haven’t done this, I strongly encourage you to do so! I put on sunscreen, added some bug spray, and turned on my noise canceling air pods so that I could listen to the previous day’s audio devotional “Pray As You Go.” It began with a chant by The Monks of Pluscarden Abbey titled, “Venite Filii Audite Me.” Translated to English, the title means, “Come, children, listen to me.”
Okay God, you have my attention.
As I walked deeper into the trails, the sun warm on my neck, the beauty of the woods all around me, I heard the words from Matthew 10:38-39.
“Those who don’t pick up their crosses and follow me aren’t worthy of me. Those
who find their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives because of me will find them.”
The devotional then invited me to consider the following: “As a follower of Jesus, what does it mean to you to take up your cross?” It then added the instruction: “Talk with the Lord about this now.” With the music still playing in my ears and my eyes focused on the ground in front of me, I simply said out loud, “God, why am I tired?” Sure, it wasn’t exactly my finest moment of following instructions, but they were honest words, and clearly a question that I’d been dealing with, without even realizing it.
As soon as I said the words I realized something that hadn’t occurred to me before: I was tired. I was emotionally and spiritually tired. I have been since my mom’s passing at the start of this year. I have been tired since she was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in March 2024. I was tired, and every day, I was simply trying to be emotionally and spiritually awake enough to get through – or rather…to get by.
“God, why am I tired?”
The answer was clear: Grief. And, as strange as it may sound, it was a grief that I had simply forgotten about. Time can have that effect on grief. I simply forgot that I was grieving.
Suddenly, the devotional’s reader began to share the scripture reading again: “take up your cross…” As I was walking through an area of muddied trail, it occurred to me that I had dropped the cross. In my spiritual and emotional exhaustion, I had dropped the cross. I was no longer carrying it – at best, I was carrying it enough to keep up appearances. I was, without mincing words, a “cross dropper.”
It was then that, just as quickly as guilt crept in, simple words of Christ began turning in my mind: “I carried it for you.”
“I carried it for you.”
“I’m carrying it for you.”
I walked with that thought for a while. In the moments that my heart is tired - in the moments when my soul is exhausted – in those moments, Jesus simply carries the cross. And when would I be ready to carry it again? Today? Tomorrow? I hope so, but honestly, my confession is that I don’t know. But, what I do know is that, until I am ready, Jesus remains with me. I know that, in my waiting, I have the strength of my church family, the council of good friends, and, above all, the promise of Christ.
And so, I leave this here. It’s not tied up in a nice bow. There is no grand conclusion of triumph! I am okay, and my faith is as strong as ever, but I am still tired. I am still grieving. I am still learning to walk, and I’m still gaining strength to carry the cross. And what I suspect to be true is that the words I’m putting to paper are truths others are feeling as well.
I am a cross dropper. I am a child of God. I am loved. You are loved. You are a child of God. Life is hard. God is good. All the time.
Peace,
Pastor Brian
On July 11th at 9:00am my wife, Stephanie, began to notice in me what I have come to term “red flags.” These are moments when I’m beginning to show signs of burnout, and she sees it before I can name it. I’ve come to appreciate that she sees these things in me and doesn’t hesitate to bring the “red flags” to my attention. On more than one occasion, her awareness and honesty has saved me, and for that I am particularly thankful! On that Friday morning, she saw and heard burnout within me, and gently told me (told…didn’t ask) that I would be taking an extra day off for what I’ve come to call a “mental health day.” That mental health day came on Tuesday, July 15th.
On that Tuesday, I found myself drawn to a walk through the trails in the Grand Blanc Commons. If you haven’t done this, I strongly encourage you to do so! I put on sunscreen, added some bug spray, and turned on my noise canceling air pods so that I could listen to the previous day’s audio devotional “Pray As You Go.” It began with a chant by The Monks of Pluscarden Abbey titled, “Venite Filii Audite Me.” Translated to English, the title means, “Come, children, listen to me.”
Okay God, you have my attention.
As I walked deeper into the trails, the sun warm on my neck, the beauty of the woods all around me, I heard the words from Matthew 10:38-39.
“Those who don’t pick up their crosses and follow me aren’t worthy of me. Those
who find their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives because of me will find them.”
The devotional then invited me to consider the following: “As a follower of Jesus, what does it mean to you to take up your cross?” It then added the instruction: “Talk with the Lord about this now.” With the music still playing in my ears and my eyes focused on the ground in front of me, I simply said out loud, “God, why am I tired?” Sure, it wasn’t exactly my finest moment of following instructions, but they were honest words, and clearly a question that I’d been dealing with, without even realizing it.
As soon as I said the words I realized something that hadn’t occurred to me before: I was tired. I was emotionally and spiritually tired. I have been since my mom’s passing at the start of this year. I have been tired since she was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in March 2024. I was tired, and every day, I was simply trying to be emotionally and spiritually awake enough to get through – or rather…to get by.
“God, why am I tired?”
The answer was clear: Grief. And, as strange as it may sound, it was a grief that I had simply forgotten about. Time can have that effect on grief. I simply forgot that I was grieving.
Suddenly, the devotional’s reader began to share the scripture reading again: “take up your cross…” As I was walking through an area of muddied trail, it occurred to me that I had dropped the cross. In my spiritual and emotional exhaustion, I had dropped the cross. I was no longer carrying it – at best, I was carrying it enough to keep up appearances. I was, without mincing words, a “cross dropper.”
It was then that, just as quickly as guilt crept in, simple words of Christ began turning in my mind: “I carried it for you.”
“I carried it for you.”
“I’m carrying it for you.”
I walked with that thought for a while. In the moments that my heart is tired - in the moments when my soul is exhausted – in those moments, Jesus simply carries the cross. And when would I be ready to carry it again? Today? Tomorrow? I hope so, but honestly, my confession is that I don’t know. But, what I do know is that, until I am ready, Jesus remains with me. I know that, in my waiting, I have the strength of my church family, the council of good friends, and, above all, the promise of Christ.
And so, I leave this here. It’s not tied up in a nice bow. There is no grand conclusion of triumph! I am okay, and my faith is as strong as ever, but I am still tired. I am still grieving. I am still learning to walk, and I’m still gaining strength to carry the cross. And what I suspect to be true is that the words I’m putting to paper are truths others are feeling as well.
I am a cross dropper. I am a child of God. I am loved. You are loved. You are a child of God. Life is hard. God is good. All the time.
Peace,
Pastor Brian
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